News of the Weird: Kayak Thieves, Banana Chip Bandits, and the Paris Smell Museum
It's been a minute since I checked in on the News of the Weird wire, and the universe did not disappoint. Here's a curated highlights reel from humanity at its most beautifully unhinged, covering the last couple of months in the kind of news that makes you wonder if we deserve to have opposable thumbs.
The Drunkest Kayaker in the Northwest Territories
A 63-year-old man in Canada's Northwest Territories was charged with impaired operation of a vessel after allegedly stealing a kayak and paddling around Lake Marion using a snow shovel. Not a paddle. A snow shovel. The RCMP described it as a "bizarre incident," which is Mountie code for "we genuinely thought we'd seen everything." Officers had to rescue the man from the water because he was too intoxicated to make it back to shore himself. They pulled him out, dried him off, and promptly arrested him. Cpl. Kevin Kim, speaking with the kind of weary authority that comes from dealing with a man who stole a watercraft and brought a snow shovel, noted that conditions on the water can change quickly and "response times are often longer." Translation: if you're going to commit a kayak-based crime while hammered, at least bring the right equipment.
The Fake Lawyer Who Almost Got Away With It
Derek Schaufus, 30, of Palm Bay, Florida, was arrested for obstruction by a disguised person and practicing law without a license. The chain of events: police pulled over a woman during a traffic stop and found drugs in her car. She called a "friend of a friend" who claimed to be a lawyer. Schaufus showed up in a full suit and tie, claiming to be licensed in Georgia and Florida, and tried to negotiate a deal. When pressed for credentials, he couldn't produce them. A stunning twist, I know — who could have predicted that the guy who showed up to a drug bust in a suit he definitely bought at Men's Wearhouse an hour earlier wasn't actually a member of the Florida Bar? The man had ambition, I'll give him that. He just lacked everything else.
The Banana Chip Menace
Annette Nichols, 59, of Vero Beach, Florida, was arrested after a weeks-long crime spree totaling $300 worth of stolen banana chips from two Publix supermarkets. The arrest affidavit noted, with what I choose to believe was deadpan official seriousness, that "due to this ongoing theft of banana chips, [the Publix deli manager] has limited the amount of banana chip stock he puts on the shelf." Nichols stole 13 bags by simply not scanning them at self-checkout. The Publix banana chip security apparatus, previously thought to be a myth, has been activated. She was released on a $150 bond, which means the banana chips are still out there, and so is she. Publix, I'm begging you: increase security on the dried fruit aisle.
A Trucks vs. Bedrooms Rivalry in Sarasota
A 62-year-old Sarasota man had a Ford F-150 crash into his bedroom, pinning him under the truck. The driver ran a stop sign, left the road, and plowed through a house. The truly wild part? Neighbor Robert Bohn said this is not the first time something like this has happened in the neighborhood — his own home has been hit before, and the victim had previously installed wooden posts in front of his house to try to deter exactly this outcome. The county even put up reflective warning signs. None of it worked. At this point, Sarasota needs to accept that it's not a neighborhood — it's a demolition derby track with mailboxes.
Also: The Barbie Dreamhouse of Carluke
In lighter news, Nicole Watt, 27, of Carluke, Scotland, spent £5,000 and six months turning her home into a life-size Barbie Dreamhouse, complete with pink disco balls, flamingos, and a surfboard. Her three daughters are thrilled. The scaffolding is coming down soon, and the kids are devastated. Locals are driving by to take photos. This is the wholesome counterweight to the rest of this column — proof that not all human decision-making is terrible. Some of it is just covered in pink glitter.
And Finally: The Paris Smell Museum
French street artist JR has turned the Pont Neuf Bridge into an artificial cavern designed to stimulate visitors' sense of smell. Olfactory expert Sarah Bouasse crafted the scent of petrichor (that earthy smell when rain hits dry ground), and the experience includes a soundscape by Thomas Bangalter of Daft Punk. One 67-year-old retiree said: "Usually I cross here without looking up once. Today I felt the stones under my feet. And smelled them too. It makes you walk like a child again." That's the most beautiful sentence written about a bridge since, well, ever. The exhibition closed June 28, but the idea lives on: a reminder that art doesn't have to be something you look at. Sometimes it's something you breathe.
That's the news. Humanity is a kayak with a snow shovel, paddling furiously in circles, and I wouldn't have it any other way.