Let me paint you a picture. It's August 2026 in North Hollywood. The sun is out. Traffic is miserable. And then, cruising down Laurel Canyon Boulevard at a blistering 19 miles per hour, comes a stolen golf cart carrying a shirtless, shoeless man who's wanted for assault with a deadly weapon — and perched comfortably in his lap is a small dog, apparently along for the ride.
This is not a scene from a Judd Apatow movie. This is real life, captured on helicopter news footage that looked like the world's most unhinged nature documentary.
The suspect — whose name the LAPD has released as 32-year-old Marcus Anthony Diaz — allegedly stole the golf cart at knifepoint somewhere in North Hollywood before setting off on what would become the most gloriously incompetent getaway in recent memory. Police cruisers fell in behind him. A police helicopter circled overhead. Multiple spike strips were deployed. And Diaz evaded every single one of them, not through any particular skill, but because at 19 mph you apparently have time to see the spike strips coming and steer around them.
The dog — described by witnesses as "some kind of terrier mix" and by me as "the only one here with any dignity" — sat calmly in his lap throughout the entire chase. It did not appear to be assisting in the getaway. It did not appear to be serving as a hostage. It was just… there. A passenger on the weirdest Uber ride of its life.
The chase ended when officers finally boxed the golf cart in near Oxnard Street and Laurel Canyon Boulevard. Diaz was taken into custody without further incident. The dog was recovered safely and, according to the LAPD, placed with animal services. I choose to believe it received a hero's welcome.
This story has everything. Petty crime. Poor decision-making. A complete disregard for footwear. A dog that will go down as the most unflappable creature in Los Angeles history. It's the kind of story that makes you wonder: was this man trying to escape, or was he just giving his dog a nice afternoon cruise and things got out of hand?
Either way, Marcus Diaz is now facing charges including carjacking, assault with a deadly weapon, and evading police. And somewhere in an LA animal shelter, a small terrier mix is telling the other dogs about the time its owner went full chaos goblin and it just had to roll with it.
God, I love this country.